Ah hello!. It's nice to see you all here. As the more perceptive of you probably
realised by now, this is Hell. And I am the Devil (good evening), but you can
call me Toby, if you like. We try to keep things informal in here, as well as
infernal. That's just a little joke of mine. I tell it every time.
Now, you're all here for... eternity! Ooh! Which I hardly need tell you is a
heck of a long time, so you'll all get to know each other pretty well by the
end. But for now I'm going to have to split you up in groups. WILL YOU STOP
SCREAMING! Thank you.
Now, murderers? Murderers over here, please. Thank you. Looters and pillagers
over there. Thieves, if you could join them, and lawyers, you're in that lot
Fornicators, if you could step forward? My God, there are a lot of you! Could I
split you up into adulterers and the rest? Male adulterers, if you could just
form a line in front of that small guillotine in the corner.
Em... the French, are you here? If you could just like to come down here with
the Germans. I'm sure you'll have plenty to talk about.
Okay, atheists? Atheists over here please. You must be feeling a right bunch of
nitwits. Never mind.
And finally, Christians. Christians? Ah, yes, I'm sorry but I'm afraid the Jews
were right. If you would come down here, that would be really fine.
Okay! Right, well, are there any questions? Yes?
No, I'm afraid there aren't any toilets. If you read your Bible, you might have
seen that it was "damnation without relief", so if you did not go before you
came, then I'm afraid you're not going to enjoy yourself very much... but then I
believe that's the idea.
Okay. Well, it's over to you, Adolf! And I'll catch you all later at the