- Ah, good morning, Michael.
- Good morning, sir.
- Good morning, Mr Smear.
- Yes, well, we'll dispense with the good mornings if you don't mind. I haven't
got time for good mornings.
- As you wish. Now, you wanted to discuss something with me.
- I think you know why I'm here.
- I don't think I do.
- Tell him.
- Tell me what?
- Tell him what you told your mother last night. Come on, come on. Sexual
- ...intercourse can often bring about pregnancy in the adult female.
- Can often bring about pregnancy in the adult female. Yes.
- You heard that, did you?
- Yes, well, I'd like an explanation if it's not too much trouble.
- An explanation of what?
- An explanation of how my son came to be using language like that in front of
- Well, I, um, I assume it's something that Michael's been learning in his
biology classes. Is that right?
- Yes, sir.
- Yes, with Mr Hent. Glad to see some of it's sinking in.
- Well, this is a turn up and no mistake.
- What is?
- I didn't imagine you'd be quite so barefaced about it.
- About what?
- I came here today to make a complaint about my son being exposed to gutter
language in the playground. I am frankly staggered to find that this is
something he's actually been taught in a classroom. What is going on here?
- Well, we're trying to teach your son...
- Oh, are you indeed? Trying to teach him what? How to embarrass his parents?
How to smack himself with heroin? What?
- Mr Smear, I can assure you, we have no...
- Call yourself a school?
- Well, I don't actually call myself a school, no.
- You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Filling a young lad's head with filth
like that. Well, let me tell you something about the real worid. You're here to
provide a service.
- That's quite right.
- Oh, "that's quite right." Well, I'm not happy with it. I'm not happy with the
service you're providing.
- Would you rather that Michael didn't attend biology classes?
- Well, certainly I would if those are the kind of lies I can expect to hear
repeated at the dinner table.
- They're not lies, Mr Smear.
- Oh, aren't they? Aren't they? What, sexual intercourse can bring about
pregnancy in the adult female?
- Well, it's quite true.
- True my arse. It's nothing more than a disgusting rumour put about by trendy
young people in the '60s.
- Trendy young people in their '60s?
- The '60s. In the '60s. That's when it all started, people like you.
- I can assure you, Mr Smear, that sexual reproduction has been part of the
biology syllabus for many years.
- I don't care about your blasted syllabus. What good is a blasted syllabus out
- Out where?
- Out there.
- The Arkwright Road?
- Arkwright jungle, I call it.
- Well, what would... What would you rather we taught your son?
- I would rather, I would rather you taught him values, Mr...
- Casilingua. Values. Respect. Decency. Standards. That's what you're here for.
You're not here to poison my son with a lot of randy sex talk.
- Michael definitely is your son, is he?
- Well, certainly he's my son.
- Then it's safe to assume that at some stage you and Mrs Smear must've had
- Right. That's it. I've had enough of this. I'm gonna knock some sense into you
- You're gonna fight me now, are you?
- Yes, I bloody well am. I'm not gonna stand for this.
- Well, do you mind if I do?
- Talking like that in front of the boy. You're a bloody disgrace.
- Mr Smear, how can Michael be your son if you and Mrs Smear have not had sexual